Vicky Newell Blog

I’ve always wanted to be a foster carer, but as I have 5 biological children, I (wrongly) assumed that my situation would rule me out.

When my youngest was well established in primary school I decided to enquire and was pleasantly surprised by the positive response I got from Essex County Council. I’ve now been fostering for 7 years and taken in total 8 or 9 young people into my home.

I thought that this, along with my raising my own family, had given me good experience to care for any child, but nothing could have prepared me for the traumas experienced by the little girl I currently have in my care.

I embarked on the trauma informed therapeutic training provided by Essex County Council. It has really helped me to understand her needs and how to help her overcome the difficulties she has faced – not just me but my whole family.

When she first arrived several years ago, she would often lash out at me, the rest of the family, her friends and teachers. She would also easily get upset and frustrated at things.

We naturally felt compelled to tackle her behaviour and try to make her feel better when she was crying with a hug.

But the more we fussed over her the more worked up she became.

This training helped us to understand that missing her family manifested in anger and showed us how to help her.

We now know that it is more important to see what a child is communicating through their behaviour, rather than trying to challenge or tackle the behaviour 'at face value' while the child is distressed. This means that she can calm down more quickly because she feels understood.

We can always reiterate boundaries, expectations and more appropriate ways to express and deal with uncomfortable feelings once she is calm.

In more recent times, she has reflected on and recognised her own behaviour after the event and has apologised. She is also starting to walk away when feeling emotional and coming back to me for advice when she has calmed down.

This is a big step for her and something which I believe is entirely down to the involvement of the therapeutic team.

One of the biggest changes is that she seems much more emotionally settled and secure. She would constantly question everything and need persistent reassurance in the early days and, whilst that was often frustrating, I learnt to understand it was because she has not got answers in the past or been consulted with. This has dramatically reduced. Although she is still a little chatterbox!

My whole family have participated in the trauma informed therapeutic training as it's important to consistently apply the strategies, so that our foster child is not confused.

We have all learnt to be more mindful with our words. This little girl has had so many broken promises in her past that she becomes very upset if she thinks she’s being let down again.

For example, if she asks me to bake a cake, but I’m caught up at that moment in time, and dismiss it with “Yes, but later” she will get up after going to bed asking to bake a cake. She will then get upset when you can’t follow through on what you have said.

She has gone from a little girl who is often anxious and with low self-esteem to being much calmer in expressing her emotions and being confident in class.

She is good at art and writing in particular; I think having a creative channel for her to express herself has been positive.

A very caring young girl is starting to emerge who is beginning to forge good relationships with children at school. She is kind, caring and enjoys socialising.

I’m so glad that we persevered with the training as I honestly doubted my ability before that. We would have missed out on the amazing relationship with our foster child and watching a little traumatised girl blossom into a confident settled young woman.